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Article complet: Est-ce qu'on en voit jamais le bout?
19.10.05
Est-ce qu'on en voit jamais le bout?
Déception, sentiment d'être en dessous de tout. Effets non souhaités et gênants. Avoir passé 8 mois de bonheur artificiel, à croire que j'avais pu vaincre, que j'étais différent, plus fort, au-dessus de ça et un retour violent à la case départ.
Une crise qui me prend, comme ça, insidieusement. Une crise plus forte que celles que j'ai pu vivre les années précédentes. Un re-déclencheur qui brise et gâche tous mes efforts en aussi peu de temps qu'il faut pour le dire. Sans raison... apparente du moins, mais significative d'une retombée aux enfers.
J'ai bien tenté de lutter ces deux dernières semaines, mais je suis à bout... ne rien faire de plus serait du suicide. Alors je déprime, me sens nul. Incapable de gérer mon corps, incapable de me canaliser moi-même. L'impression d'être enfermé dans une enveloppe corporelle qui n'est pas mienne et qui ne veut de moi au moins autant que je ne veux d'elle et qui me le montre bien.
Reprendre le traitement.... ces médicaments lourds qui m'embrument l'esprit, qui font de moi un autre, un autre avec un petit "a" que je ne supporte pas; mais être obligé de le faire. Obligé pour vivre un peu plus paisiblement, obligé pour les autres aussi, pour l'Autre surtout.
Désormais je devrai faire avec, coûte que coûte et ne plus arrêter, je crois. Là je me sens bien, vide, mais bien; sans sentiments extrêmes, sans douleur ni joie, mais apaisé... juste en apparence surement et je ne sais même pas ce qui est le mieux à choisir...
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